WE’RE ADOPTING!!!

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Casey & I are so excited to announce that…..

WE’RE ADOPTING!!!

We’re both so excited to finally be announcing this to the world! We’ve been working on things to get us to the point of being able to say this & are ecstatic that we finally can!

Adoption has always been something that was on our hearts & something we knew we wanted to pursue one day. When we were strugglings to get pregnant a few years ago we had a lot of conversations about when we wanted to step into adopting, but we never saw it as a replacement or fix to our pregnancy struggles. We just knew it was one way we were called to grow our family.

After we got the infertility diagnosis last year giving us answers to all our pregnancy struggles, we knew that it was time to step into adopting. We feel so strongly that we are called to be parents, so it became apparently clear that adoption would be the way we would see our that dream realized.

For the past 10 months, we have been working to get to the point where we can confidently say we’re adopting. We hired a wonderful consultant to help us navigate the process last April, started working on our home study last July & as of Tuesday, March 6th, our home study was final! It took us longer than we wanted to become home study approved but in the end, it was actually perfect timing because there was just so much going on in our world including me changing jobs, us moving to a bigger apartment, and so much more. There was also a whole heck of a lot of fear holding us back from filling out all our home study paperwork. We were scared we just wouldn’t get approved, anxious they would tell us we have too much debt or find something else deeming us unfit to be parents. All the what ifs really held us back. By the end of November, we knew we needed to just hunker down, trust that God’s timing was perfect, and just get it our home study done.

Which brings us to today. I’m actually writing this as I sit in our chair in our nursery. We have a freaking nursery! In our home! There’s a nursery in our home! I still can’t believe it. This room is my favorite room in our entire apartment. I walk by it often, stepping in to dream & wonder who the little one will be that takes over this room one day.

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Being able to say these words has been a long time coming… We are going to be freaking parents! Things are happening in the Link home & we couldn’t be more excited. We know this journey will be hard but it will also be so good.

We have decided to go the route of a Domestic Infant Adoption. But we can’t do this alone. There are a lot of fees to be paid when adopting; there are agency & legal fees & medical expenses that have to be taken care of. The entire adoption process could cost us around or up to $45,000. We don’t want funds to be what holds us back from this journey, so we are ready and willing yo de everything it takes to meet our goal. We hope you will consider joining us in our efforts! There are grants specifically for adoption we will be applying for but we still need your help too. We know we can’t do this alone so that is why we are asking for your help in this.

Ways you can help:

  1. Donate. We have a GoFundMe set up, that can be found HERE. In the next few weeks, we will be getting a t-shirt fundraiser going. We are also collecting redeemable recycling, so if you are local, any cans & bottles you have we will happily take off your hands. Every cent counts & we appreciate it any help we can get so much! Continue to check back on our funding page to see what current fundraisers we have going.
  2. Share. Share our GoFundMe with your friends & family. Then ask them to share it with their friends & family. The more we get this out there the better! Share our blog, as we continue to fill it with more of our journey, updates & even the things we still struggle with from our miscarriages & infertility.
  3. Pray. Specifically, pray for the woman that will be our child’s birth mother. In doing a Domestic Infant Adoption, we will be presenting to expectant mothers looking to create an adoption plan for their unborn baby. Pray for her heart, pray for her decision, pray for the community around her, pray she feels supported & loved. Pray she feels loved, respected & cherished by Casey & I. Pray for our hearts to be prepared to know how to come alongside her & support her in this in whatever way she allows. Pray for God’s hands & grace to clearly be all over this. We believe they already are, but it doesn’t hurt to keep praying for it.

We are so excited to be stepping into this but also scared & nervous, we know there’s still so much to learn through the whole adoption process but we can’t wait to see this story unfold & are so excited that we are one step closer to finally being parents!

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Photos by Jared Whitney Photography

Our Little Missing Link

Hello all!

Many of you have already been made aware of the recent news in our journey towards parenthood via Instagram and Facebook, but for those of you who are not connected to us on those platforms, we wanted to provide an update to you all!

We had been keeping a tiny human-sized secret for about 10 weeks!

In short, we were contacted about a baby due on November 16th, just 7 weeks away! After contacting attorneys, praying about it, and talking with the birth mother, we knew we needed to move forward with pursuing the situation. We’ve quietly been sitting in awe watching this whole story unfold and watching all the details fall perfectly into place. As of now, all legal documents have been signed and accepted by the court. We have a couple of post-placement meetings with our caseworker and then the adoption will be finalized.

We’ll share more about the past few months later, but I will say there were so many “our Father is doing something” details, that we’re just stunned by His goodness.

Our hearts are overflowing with love and respect for the woman that made this brave decision and has given us the gift of parenthood. We cherish her very deeply. We don’t take lightly this decision she made, and she will always have a place in our family.

All that to say, we are so excited to say that on Saturday, November 17th at 10:15am, we met our rainbow baby! Our son was born! We are so happy to introduce you to our little man…

Oliver Ellis Link

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We are so grateful for all of you who have helped with the financial aspect of this process, and are so pleased to say that God knew EXACTLY how much we would need! Because of the nature of this adoption, our cost was diminished severely from around $45,000 down to a mere $11,000ish. Because of people’s generosity, we raised almost $15,000 between GoFundMe and in-person donations, affording us exactly what we needed for all legal costs, as well as travel expenses, food, and accommodations during Oliver’s birth. We are floored!

For those of you who would be interested, here is a link to our baby registry 🙂
http://www.babylist.com/lexi-casey

More to come soon.

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Adoption Update

Hello friends and family,

We are so sorry we have been silent on here since announcing our plans to adopt. Lexi and I have been in an extremely busy season of life, and as a result, updating you all has fallen by the wayside.

Nevertheless, we wanted to leave a small note here to do two things:

1. Say thank you.

Thank you to all who have so generously given to us. We have been so humbled and blown away by the level of selfless generosity from friends and family, people we don’t know very well, and even ones we don’t know at all! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you to all of you who have additionally been sharing our story with your friends and families, on social media, and elsewhere. When giving financially is not within your means, sharing our story means so much!

2. Update you on where we are at.

Lex and I have been working to complete our Profile Book, in the downtime between our busy work lives, which has proven to be somewhat challenging, given the amount of stuff on our plates. However, we are making good progress and hope to have our book done in the next week or so. This Profile book is what represents us to expectant mothers. Should we choose to present to a situation, it is this book that is given to an expectant mother for consideration as her child’s adoptive family, so it is really, really, really important that it represents who we are well. A good friend of ours just took some photos for our book, and we are close to finishing the design. Once we have the photos and finish up some of the text for it, we will have our books made, and can then start actively applying to adoption agencies.

Thank you again to all of you who have supported us in the variety of ways you have thus far. We will try to be better about keeping you all up to date!

It’s Okay to Grieve.

To be honest I hate crying.  I hate admitting that I cried.  I hate crying in front of other people & this includes my husband.  I don’t like it.  I’m not a crier.  At least I used to never be.  I’m also not one to just put myself out there, share all my emotions with you & be completely vulnerable.  To be honest I even struggle with being vulnerable with my own husband at times.  It’s just not how I have ever functioned when it comes to emotions…  but I’m working on it — it takes me a little time but I definitely cry more in front of my husband & am way more vulnerable with him.

Sharing these posts about our miscarriage have been hard at times — actually pretty much every time.  I get nervous when I’m about to post them because I don’t know how people will respond.  I don’t want people to get annoyed by them but I also don’t fully care if I do annoy someone by them (not to be rude).  I chose to be open & vulnerable with my emotions & hard times in result of this miscarriage because I pray it helps even just one woman going through this rough, messy part of life.  It actually takes me about a week after writing to muster the courage to make the post go live.  But because I said from the start I want to be open with this, I know I can’t stop now.

I know I don’t have everything figured out & not all I am going to experience from this is the same for everyone else, everyone experiences things differently.  But one thing I have learned & continually have to remind myself of is that it’s okay to grieve.  It’s okay to still be grieving.  There is no shame in crying or still experiencing these random bursts of emotions almost 3 months later or even more.  No one can tell you how long you can or can’t grieve or feel emotions from a miscarriage or any other loss.  Everyone goes through things differently & heals differently.

I’ve seen that between Casey & I.  He literally seems fine in my book.  He cried.  He felt the emotions.  He held me and cried with me.  He has gone through all the motions of grieving.  & I believe for the most part he is done grieving.  But me…  I’m not done.  Whenever I think I’m done something triggers it & I feel the raw emotions again.  That’s when I don’t know what to do because I get so confused as to whether or not I should still be dealing with this at times.

Juno was on tv the other night after Casey had gone to bed so I decided to stay up & watch it.  I wasn’t really avoiding movies with pregnant ladies anymore but somehow had managed to go this long without watching any since November.  I ended up crying.  I was so confused as to why I was crying but I was crying.  The other night I broke down again after Casey went to bed because I was frustrated in my search for a bridesmaid dress for my sister in law’s wedding in May & realized last time I was really thinking of her wedding..I was planning to be the “super pregnant bridesmaid”.  Everything became raw again.  All this added up to Wednesday night when I couldn’t keep my emotions to myself anymore & I really broke down again but this time in Casey’s arms & in front of people at church.  My heart was heavy.  I missed our sweet baby.  After talking with a lady who recently lost a child, I was reminded I’m not crazy for still feeling these emotions.  They are still going to come & go.  This is natural.  This is life.  This is the grieving process.  Some days I grieve more than others….some not even at all.  But it is okay to still feel the raw emotion from this from time to time.

She also went along to tell me moments like these are just like waves, you just need to stand there, brace yourself & lean into them as they crash into you.  Soon it will fade into the rest of the sea.  It’s so true!  Lately anytime I am overcome with a heavy heart & emotions, I have a good cry & just let it out.  I let Casey hold me rather than bottle it up, & it starts to go away again as I work through those emotions.  Usually the next day I try to remember why I cried or why I was feeling so emotional.  But in that moment when the emotions overcome, bracing myself & just letting myself grieve & experience the emotions is probably one of the best things…  at least for me.

Because I’m not a fan of crying & I generally try to hold it back & not allow myself to cry…  But its those moments when I let go that I experience the most relief.  It relieves some of the weight on my heart.  It opens me up more to Casey & lets him understand me more & what I’m working through & it reminds me that I’m human.  I don’t have it all together & that through this miscarriage I’m growing immensely in many ways & learning new things about myself that I thought I already knew.

My heart still aches deeply at times…  some days way more than other days.  What catches me off guard are the very emotional days that randomly pop up in the middle of weeks of being fine.  That’s when I begin to wonder why these emotions still overcome me from time to time.  But I was reminded, as much as I don’t think I am most days, I’m still grieving & I’m still healing.  When these moments arise & I feel hesitant to tell Casey or hesitant to share them here on the blog, I have to remind myself I’m still working through this.  I have to remind myself that there are other women miscarrying or who have miscarried, who most likely feel the same raw emotions I’m feeling & feel like they are alone in this or are confused as to why they experience waves of emotion.  That is why I have opened up so much & continue to push myself to stay open about this.

I want women to know they aren’t alone in this.  Miscarriages happen.  It’s ok to have weeks lined up of feeling no pain, & then a day or a few days of feeling that pain & raw emotion again.  It’s ok to cry & talk about it.  Some days I don’t know how to talk about it or feel bad for talking about it because I don’t want people to think I am looking for their pity or to make them feel awkward.  Some days I’m scared to talk about it because I don’t want people to judge me & think I talk about this too much.  I also always feel like I shouldn’t talk about it because that’s just not the norm & that I should just be healed up & moved on by now when these random spurts of emotion hit me. So I get scared to share.  However, I want to talk about it some days.  I want to share this with people, I don’t want people to be scared to talk about pregnancy or babies or miscarriages around me.  I want people to know I still have tough days but I am extremely open to talking about this & they don’t need to feel awkward around me.  I want to cry about it when needed & I want other women to not be afraid to talk about miscarriage or feel they have to hide their achy hearts because they don’t want people to judge them or think they are just dragging this on or don’t know what to say to them.  The pain from a miscarriage doesn’t just go away.  There are definitely days when it seems like it has & all is good until a bad day comes & you’re reminded of that day you miscarried.  I anticipate there will be days that the waves will be rough, but I know that once I break through the violent surf,  there’s a whole open ocean for me to sink into.  I know & want to get through them so I can get through this healing process & head on to the next chapter of my life.

One thing I have learned, been reminded of & continue to remember is even in these little snippets of darkness from grief there is light.  There is light in today.  There is light in tomorrow.  There is light in knowing this is being used to grow me & mold me.  There is light in praying & knowing this will one day be used for the good of another woman who feels alone or not sure of what to do in times of grief.  There is light in knowing one day there will be no more pain & suffering.  There is continued light in the Cross & Jesus Christ & there is light in the people of the Church that come around you when you feel like all around you is dark.  I am thankful for these rough days that come & go because I learn so much through them & am reminded of so much when I work through them.

What Could Have Been.

Part of me had been really dreading Christmas this past year.  I really hoped it would just stay away & not come close.

But this past year…for a week I was really really looking forward to it & hoping it would get here fast! Christmas Day was when we were going to tell our parents & families we were pregnant.  So I was looking forward to Christmas because the secret would be out…we’d be in the second trimester & just enjoying all the excitement of telling family & friends & announcing on social media we were pregnant, along with planning for the arrival of our little Linklet.

{A secret about me…I’m really good at remembering details to days & replaying that day by memory later or envisioning/dreaming of how something would go.  Christmas this past year is a day I dreamt of over & over after we found out we were pregnant.  Just dreaming of how the day would go & how exciting it would all be.  I hate that my brain works this way sometimes but then times, like when I think about our wedding, I love it.}

Since the day we miscarried, I dreaded Christmas.  I at times hoped it wouldn’t come because I knew it wouldn’t be filled with pregnancy news & I knew it was another step in knowing this for sure isn’t happening.  It was also another moment when it feels like all time stands still & the numbness of being ok with this wears off & I feel the raw emotion of this unexpected pregnancy & miscarriage.  Everything comes to reality & it hurts.

Christmas was rough for me this past year.  I cried multiply times.  I didn’t think it would be as rough as it was.  When my mom & Travis opened their gift from us it stung a little knowing this wasn’t the gift we planned on giving them.  From that point on the day had more hard raw moments as more things happened & I just knew there wasn’t anything I could do but experience them & work thru them.

There are different events leading up to June that I am dreading because I dreamt of how they would be & know the harsh reality of them not being that way.

I am not a fan of these little snippets of time when my heart is sad & I just need to cry.  Especially since most days I am perfectly fine & then there are random moments or things that just leave me reminded of this pregnancy & I’m left sad.  Sometimes I feel like I should just be over this by now & moved on which I am for the most part.  But every now & then I’m not.  I feel like Casey is way better than I am with this (or he hid it really really well at Christmas & pretty much all the other times) & because of that there are times I wonder if I’m crazy for still feeling so much emotion every now & then.  I am ready to get through June & pass what was supposed to be the due date so I can move on with these emotions & be through with challenging days like Christmas.  Even though I know it won’t just go away come June.

There isn’t a day that I don’t go without thinking about what could have been right now (not in a emotional way more just out of curiosity thoughts) & wonder about the little Link we lost.  I know the thoughts of “what could have been” are going to creep up.  Right before Christmas I was laying on the floor looking at the wall above our couch that has wedding photos all over it… I couldn’t help but wonder & think about our kids & wonder about who they’ll look like or who’s personality they’ll most likely get or dream about the days we talk about when mommy & daddy got married & show them our wedding video & photos.  I started thinking about how one day our home will be filled with toys & bottles & everything else that will come with little Linklets.  I also started dreaming about the first day we walk into our home with a baby, our firstborn…

Some days I look at our wedding photos & dream & think about what was started December 1, 2012.  The beginnings to a growing family — where Casey & I are the parents.  I dream about it all.  Especially a lot lately because getting pregnant sparked those thoughts & dreams even more & brought them to reality way faster than I was planning or we were planning.  Some days I love them & I love dreaming about what our kids will be like, who they will be, their personalities, goals, desires & more.  Then some days it hurts because I know we were close to experiencing such an awesome part of life & only got a glimpse of it & now I want more.  I got a very small taste of being pregnant & started to dream & plan the next months of pregnancy & welcoming a baby.  It hurts it ended so fast but I loved the reality of a baby.

I don’t know what the future holds for the Link family.  I don’t know when we will expand with littles.  But I do know that my desire to be a mother one day has grown immensely from this miscarriage.  I know Casey & I dream about having kids often.  And I know there is a bigger plan at work here — even in the times of hurt & what could have been — I know there’s something greater at work.

— I feel like I keep posting about this & I am sorry but I feel like I need to share this & be open about it…to help me really process my thoughts & emotions when it’s hard.  I want to be able to look back on this & see where God has taken us as a family & grown Casey & I one day.  Also because I hope in someway this is encouraging or helpful to other women that could sadly miscarry some day in the future.  I wish no one would have to go through this but it’s a part of life…life can be dirty & hard but in those times it’s strengthening.  So I hope this & other posts about our miscarriage will one day be encouraging & strengthening to other women going through miscarriage.  I pray God uses this for His bigger picture & I will continue to write & share things we’ve dealt with & are dealing with as I continue to heal from this miscarriage.  Thank you again for sticking by us & supporting us through this whole thing. —

Seriously Thank You.

Seriously.  Thank you so much for all the love & support from all of you on my latest post about our miscarriage.  All the comments on the post & on my facebook mean a lot to us & we greatly appreciate it all.

I didn’t think much about that post.  I just wanted to share it because I wanted to be open about miscarriage — like I mentioned in that post, I wanted to go against the norm in being open with it so soon.  I figured it would just be a “here it is, we went through this & understand what it is like” sort of blog.  But because of it, I have been connected to another wife currently going through this same thing.

I didn’t really think sharing this would allow me to connect with someone else going through this at the same time & allow us to encourage each other as women & wives. Really it was kind of awesome how this all worked out.

With all this it has been crazy. For the first few days after the miscarriage it felt like every commercial on tv had a baby in it or pregnant lady — heck we even rented a movie we hadn’t seen & it ended with the wife being pregnant — or even like all of a sudden everyone had a baby to post a picture of on social media (that’s a bit of an over exaggeration but that’s how it felt). For the first few days I would look away when I saw anything baby on tv. Casey would yell or do something funny to distract us from the commercial with the really cute baby not because we were still upset just because it was a little like rubbing salt in a partially healed wound where it stings just a little.

Like I said in the previous post, Casey & I seriously have grown so much in this. But it’s crazy how one cute really pregnant lady sitting at the table next to you at dinner can find emotions you thought were done & gone. When we sat down I automatically thought out of all the open tables at the Cheesecake Factory, we get sat at the one next to the really pregnant lady & her husband. At that moment I had to fight some emotion — I did not want to cry in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory. Then it just continued to get a little harder with the more I overheard of their conversation. From the husband asking if the baby moves more when she eats to nursery colors to a list of baby names the wife had been thinking of. I definitely was not trying to eavesdrop but our table was so close (if you have ever eaten at the Cheesecake Factory you know what I mean…some of their tables are so close together you might as well be on a date with the couple next to you also) I couldn’t help but hear little things. I don’t know if Casey saw or if I did a really good job hiding it by trying to be really interested in my food but there was one point I was definitely hoping he couldn’t see the tears in my eyes & that none would escape & run down my face or even have him ask if I was ok because I definitely would have started crying then.

I didn’t think there would be some sort of underlying emotion from just seeing a pregnant lady. But it hit me when I overheard one of the names on her list. It was one of the names on our list. {Side Note:  We didn’t create a list of names right when we found out we were pregnant, Casey & I have spent a lot of time talking baby names since before we were even engaged & created a small list (2 boys, 2 girls names) back when we were still dating & knew there was marriage & kids in our future.} Hearing that name be said just really made me realize again that we had been pregnant & miscarried.  It made it feel real again & not like a crazy dream.

I feel something about the holidays this season will be different. So much of this pregnancy was going to be wrapped in them, from our first prenatal appointment that was scheduled for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving (next Tuesday) & first ultrasound that had been scheduled for December 2, to our plan of telling family at Christmas, that there will be a little piece of me thinking of what I had thought it would be like these next few months & what it isn’t. I’m not going to sit & dwell on this because that is a waste of energy & would make for a terrible holiday if I allowed it & really Casey & I are still doing really good with this.  The emotion I felt at dinner the other night was so unexpected it caught me off guard.  Nevertheless, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that my husband & I are both healthy & we’ve been happily and successfully married for a whole year, even though thoughts of what the holidays might have been may fill my mind. The last year of our marriage has been crazy! Crazy good, & crazy challenging, crazy exciting & crazy unexpected… but I am so thankful we have already experienced all that we have, because we have continually grown stronger & closer together than we were one year ago. Most of all, I will celebrate these holidays in response to the the fact that because of Jesus’ resurrection from death on a cross… I have hope, joy, peace, comfort & freedom, in-spite of our circumstances. I know and trust that any plan I could ever think of for Casey & I is no where near to what He is going to do, & is doing, to use us for His Glory.

Seriously, again, thank you so much for all the love we have received from all of you.  We appreciate it a lot!

The Black Sheep.

I am about to be extremely open & bring up a topic that is generally not the easiest.  This post might be a little long but that’s ok.

{Miscarriage.}

Miscarriage is something not many people chose to speak of — at least not right away.  It’s like one of the black sheep in the room when pregnancy is discussed.  People know it’s there but don’t want to address it or dare say the “M” word around someone pregnant yet alone allow it to come from your mouth when you are pregnant.  It is a scary thing to think about or even talk about.  But it is something that happens & I think it happens more than we like to think it does.

According to americanpregnancy.org, anywhere from 10-25% of clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage for women in their childbearing years.

Because miscarriage is such an unaddressed topic between people I have decided to go against that norm & talk about it.  Especially since I feel like you often don’t hear about someone miscarrying until its a year or so after it has happened.

Growing up I had a general idea about miscarriage — especially when I was younger.  I didn’t fully understand it, I just knew that it meant something happened while a woman was pregnant & the baby didn’t make it very far into the pregnancy & the baby was no more.  I know some people who have miscarried, including my mom who did twice.  I remember being younger knowing that, thinking I could have an older sister or brother along with another younger sister or brother but I didn’t.  My sister & I would always think there could be 4 of us kids but there wasn’t.  It didn’t fully make sense.  Then as the years went on & I took more anatomy & physiology classes in school & we went through the pregnancy chapters & what occurs during conception & the early stages of pregnancy it started to make more sense — or so I thought it did.

You truly don’t understand what goes on during a miscarriage — physically, emotionally & between you & your husband — or truly understand what a couple is dealing with until you miscarry yourself.  I feel your whole perspective on miscarriage, life & how the human body works changes in a way you didn’t think it could.

On November 1, after taking 4 at home pregnancy tests Casey & I found out I was pregnant.  It was completely unexpected & unplanned on our part.  But we know it was God’s plan for us.  I checked the pregnancy tests over & over thinking they would change to “not pregnant” because part of me thought it was all a joke & those at home tests were just kidding.  Funny thing — they don’t change to “not pregnant” once they say “pregnant”.  Even though this pregnancy was unplanned, once we got over the shock of it, we were excited & ready to prepare for welcoming a baby to the family.  We started planning how we would announce this to our families come Christmas time.

After a lot of research & iPhone pregnancy apps we figured out I was due around June 26 meaning I was just around 6 weeks when we took the HPT.  Just before the 7 week mark I started having alarming symptoms that deep down I knew weren’t right.  After contacting the doctor’s office & talking with an advice nurse over the phone, who talked to the on-call doctor, they had me come in for a blood test last Wednesday & again on Friday to check my hCG levels.  We found out Thursday that Wednesday’s test showed my levels were low for how far along I was.  Within the 24 hours of Wednesday & Thursday, I ended up miscarrying.  My blood test on Friday & conversation with my doctor confirmed it, to where she also went along to tell us she didn’t see anything alarming with me & just reaffirmed that this was my body’s way of stopping something that was bad.  She said there is no true way of knowing what went wrong but it was most likely something developmental that was not going right.

I didn’t think at 22 years of age I would be saying that or even experiencing such a crazy part of life.  I figured it would be a few more years — especially since Casey & I would like a few more years of marriage to ourselves before expanding with little Links.  As I said, miscarriage is something I thought I had a good idea about.  But after this past week I have learned I was wrong.  To be honest, when we first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified to even think the word “miscarriage” or even say it out loud.  But I soon realized I can’t let that word hold me back.  I was terrified that miscarriage could be an outcome but I also wasn’t going to let it hold me back in being excited.

Casey & I had a conversation the night we found out we were pregnant & one thing we discussed was if this pregnancy ended in miscarriage, we knew there was nothing we could do to stop it & that it was happening for a reason.  We also talked about how this whole pregnancy was part of a plan bigger than us & something we might not fully understand now but knew this wasn’t in our control.  Honestly I was thankful to just know that I could get pregnant — I have never been told I would have difficulty getting pregnant or anything but it was still a relief to know.  We have told each other from the start of our marriage & firmly believe that we have a plan for ourselves & when we would ideally like to expand our family but know in the end it is not about our plan for our marriage & family but it’s about God’s plan for our marriage & family.  With that, in the end He is in control with when our family will expand & will make that happen when it is His perfect time — we can do all we can to hold it off but really when it is time, He will make it happen.

Even though we miscarried, we know this pregnancy & miscarriage was all part of a plan.  We might not know the full extent of how this miscarriage will be used to glorify our Creator, I do know this…. It has brought Casey & I even closer together in our marriage — Casey was the best through this whole thing.  He continually took care of me, making sure I was doing ok emotionally & physically & still is as I am still working on getting back to feeling 100%, he was there when I needed to cry, he made calls to the doctor when I couldn’t, planned a trip to see my mom so I could get some mommy time & continually reminded me that no matter what happened we were going to be ok because it wasn’t our plan but His.  This miscarriage also reminded us that we are not in control of this but no matter what He is good & will continue to be good.

Something I wrote on Thursday morning when we knew we had miscarried was this & I know it continues to be true:

“Not my plans but Yours.  Not our plans but Yours.  Your plans will outweigh any we could ever dream of for our lives.  & even in the depths of our brokenness & sorrow when time stands still, You are good.  You were good & You will continue to always be good.  No matter the hurt or sadness, You remain true & powerful.  You will remain to be glorified & I will continue to praise You, Almighty Creator.”

I don’t write about this miscarriage looking for anyone’s sorrow & remorse for us, that’s not my intent.  Honestly, Casey & I are doing really good right now.  We spent our time crying off & on Wednesday night & Thursday.  But we know our hope isn’t in a baby or unexpected pregnancy, it’s in the truth of Jesus & the hope He gives us.  I write about this miscarriage, especially so soon after, because I have no reason to hide it & don’t want to hide it.  It is a part of who Casey & I are now & it reminds us of who we have our hope in & where our identity lies & that is in Jesus.

I write about this miscarriage because I think it should be a topic that is talked about more since it is a part of life & something that can happen.  I think miscarriage goes untalked about too much or is scared to be talked about.  But really I think it is something we should be in awe of as hard as it is.  In no way am I trying to come across as heartless because that is not my intent (especially having just gone through a miscarriage myself), but seriously just sit & think about how perfectly the female body is crafted in the sense that it can know when something is wrong early in a pregnancy.  Knowing there was most likely something wrong in this pregnancy that led to the miscarriage I am thankful that it happened when it did rather than way further into the pregnancy after we got extremely attached this addition.  Seriously, the human body is a piece of art in how it has been crafted to work.

I write about our miscarriage because I want to be able to support anyone in any way I can that goes through this.  I’m not going to lie, because it is hard going through a miscarriage — I cried.  Casey cried.  But you gain a whole new understanding & respect for how the body works as crazy as it sounds & a whole new level of awe for our Creator God.

Even though we got pregnant earlier than planned, Casey & I still don’t plan on expanding our family with any little Links anytime soon if it is in our control.  But as we have been reminded this past week, it isn’t in our control so we will see what happens & what God has planned for us & our family in the future.