Seriously Thank You.

Seriously.  Thank you so much for all the love & support from all of you on my latest post about our miscarriage.  All the comments on the post & on my facebook mean a lot to us & we greatly appreciate it all.

I didn’t think much about that post.  I just wanted to share it because I wanted to be open about miscarriage — like I mentioned in that post, I wanted to go against the norm in being open with it so soon.  I figured it would just be a “here it is, we went through this & understand what it is like” sort of blog.  But because of it, I have been connected to another wife currently going through this same thing.

I didn’t really think sharing this would allow me to connect with someone else going through this at the same time & allow us to encourage each other as women & wives. Really it was kind of awesome how this all worked out.

With all this it has been crazy. For the first few days after the miscarriage it felt like every commercial on tv had a baby in it or pregnant lady — heck we even rented a movie we hadn’t seen & it ended with the wife being pregnant — or even like all of a sudden everyone had a baby to post a picture of on social media (that’s a bit of an over exaggeration but that’s how it felt). For the first few days I would look away when I saw anything baby on tv. Casey would yell or do something funny to distract us from the commercial with the really cute baby not because we were still upset just because it was a little like rubbing salt in a partially healed wound where it stings just a little.

Like I said in the previous post, Casey & I seriously have grown so much in this. But it’s crazy how one cute really pregnant lady sitting at the table next to you at dinner can find emotions you thought were done & gone. When we sat down I automatically thought out of all the open tables at the Cheesecake Factory, we get sat at the one next to the really pregnant lady & her husband. At that moment I had to fight some emotion — I did not want to cry in the middle of the Cheesecake Factory. Then it just continued to get a little harder with the more I overheard of their conversation. From the husband asking if the baby moves more when she eats to nursery colors to a list of baby names the wife had been thinking of. I definitely was not trying to eavesdrop but our table was so close (if you have ever eaten at the Cheesecake Factory you know what I mean…some of their tables are so close together you might as well be on a date with the couple next to you also) I couldn’t help but hear little things. I don’t know if Casey saw or if I did a really good job hiding it by trying to be really interested in my food but there was one point I was definitely hoping he couldn’t see the tears in my eyes & that none would escape & run down my face or even have him ask if I was ok because I definitely would have started crying then.

I didn’t think there would be some sort of underlying emotion from just seeing a pregnant lady. But it hit me when I overheard one of the names on her list. It was one of the names on our list. {Side Note:  We didn’t create a list of names right when we found out we were pregnant, Casey & I have spent a lot of time talking baby names since before we were even engaged & created a small list (2 boys, 2 girls names) back when we were still dating & knew there was marriage & kids in our future.} Hearing that name be said just really made me realize again that we had been pregnant & miscarried.  It made it feel real again & not like a crazy dream.

I feel something about the holidays this season will be different. So much of this pregnancy was going to be wrapped in them, from our first prenatal appointment that was scheduled for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving (next Tuesday) & first ultrasound that had been scheduled for December 2, to our plan of telling family at Christmas, that there will be a little piece of me thinking of what I had thought it would be like these next few months & what it isn’t. I’m not going to sit & dwell on this because that is a waste of energy & would make for a terrible holiday if I allowed it & really Casey & I are still doing really good with this.  The emotion I felt at dinner the other night was so unexpected it caught me off guard.  Nevertheless, I will do my best to celebrate the fact that my husband & I are both healthy & we’ve been happily and successfully married for a whole year, even though thoughts of what the holidays might have been may fill my mind. The last year of our marriage has been crazy! Crazy good, & crazy challenging, crazy exciting & crazy unexpected… but I am so thankful we have already experienced all that we have, because we have continually grown stronger & closer together than we were one year ago. Most of all, I will celebrate these holidays in response to the the fact that because of Jesus’ resurrection from death on a cross… I have hope, joy, peace, comfort & freedom, in-spite of our circumstances. I know and trust that any plan I could ever think of for Casey & I is no where near to what He is going to do, & is doing, to use us for His Glory.

Seriously, again, thank you so much for all the love we have received from all of you.  We appreciate it a lot!

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