What Could Have Been.

Part of me had been really dreading Christmas this past year.  I really hoped it would just stay away & not come close.

But this past year…for a week I was really really looking forward to it & hoping it would get here fast! Christmas Day was when we were going to tell our parents & families we were pregnant.  So I was looking forward to Christmas because the secret would be out…we’d be in the second trimester & just enjoying all the excitement of telling family & friends & announcing on social media we were pregnant, along with planning for the arrival of our little Linklet.

{A secret about me…I’m really good at remembering details to days & replaying that day by memory later or envisioning/dreaming of how something would go.  Christmas this past year is a day I dreamt of over & over after we found out we were pregnant.  Just dreaming of how the day would go & how exciting it would all be.  I hate that my brain works this way sometimes but then times, like when I think about our wedding, I love it.}

Since the day we miscarried, I dreaded Christmas.  I at times hoped it wouldn’t come because I knew it wouldn’t be filled with pregnancy news & I knew it was another step in knowing this for sure isn’t happening.  It was also another moment when it feels like all time stands still & the numbness of being ok with this wears off & I feel the raw emotion of this unexpected pregnancy & miscarriage.  Everything comes to reality & it hurts.

Christmas was rough for me this past year.  I cried multiply times.  I didn’t think it would be as rough as it was.  When my mom & Travis opened their gift from us it stung a little knowing this wasn’t the gift we planned on giving them.  From that point on the day had more hard raw moments as more things happened & I just knew there wasn’t anything I could do but experience them & work thru them.

There are different events leading up to June that I am dreading because I dreamt of how they would be & know the harsh reality of them not being that way.

I am not a fan of these little snippets of time when my heart is sad & I just need to cry.  Especially since most days I am perfectly fine & then there are random moments or things that just leave me reminded of this pregnancy & I’m left sad.  Sometimes I feel like I should just be over this by now & moved on which I am for the most part.  But every now & then I’m not.  I feel like Casey is way better than I am with this (or he hid it really really well at Christmas & pretty much all the other times) & because of that there are times I wonder if I’m crazy for still feeling so much emotion every now & then.  I am ready to get through June & pass what was supposed to be the due date so I can move on with these emotions & be through with challenging days like Christmas.  Even though I know it won’t just go away come June.

There isn’t a day that I don’t go without thinking about what could have been right now (not in a emotional way more just out of curiosity thoughts) & wonder about the little Link we lost.  I know the thoughts of “what could have been” are going to creep up.  Right before Christmas I was laying on the floor looking at the wall above our couch that has wedding photos all over it… I couldn’t help but wonder & think about our kids & wonder about who they’ll look like or who’s personality they’ll most likely get or dream about the days we talk about when mommy & daddy got married & show them our wedding video & photos.  I started thinking about how one day our home will be filled with toys & bottles & everything else that will come with little Linklets.  I also started dreaming about the first day we walk into our home with a baby, our firstborn…

Some days I look at our wedding photos & dream & think about what was started December 1, 2012.  The beginnings to a growing family — where Casey & I are the parents.  I dream about it all.  Especially a lot lately because getting pregnant sparked those thoughts & dreams even more & brought them to reality way faster than I was planning or we were planning.  Some days I love them & I love dreaming about what our kids will be like, who they will be, their personalities, goals, desires & more.  Then some days it hurts because I know we were close to experiencing such an awesome part of life & only got a glimpse of it & now I want more.  I got a very small taste of being pregnant & started to dream & plan the next months of pregnancy & welcoming a baby.  It hurts it ended so fast but I loved the reality of a baby.

I don’t know what the future holds for the Link family.  I don’t know when we will expand with littles.  But I do know that my desire to be a mother one day has grown immensely from this miscarriage.  I know Casey & I dream about having kids often.  And I know there is a bigger plan at work here — even in the times of hurt & what could have been — I know there’s something greater at work.

— I feel like I keep posting about this & I am sorry but I feel like I need to share this & be open about it…to help me really process my thoughts & emotions when it’s hard.  I want to be able to look back on this & see where God has taken us as a family & grown Casey & I one day.  Also because I hope in someway this is encouraging or helpful to other women that could sadly miscarry some day in the future.  I wish no one would have to go through this but it’s a part of life…life can be dirty & hard but in those times it’s strengthening.  So I hope this & other posts about our miscarriage will one day be encouraging & strengthening to other women going through miscarriage.  I pray God uses this for His bigger picture & I will continue to write & share things we’ve dealt with & are dealing with as I continue to heal from this miscarriage.  Thank you again for sticking by us & supporting us through this whole thing. —

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