To be honest I hate crying. I hate admitting that I cried. I hate crying in front of other people & this includes my husband. I don’t like it. I’m not a crier. At least I used to never be. I’m also not one to just put myself out there, share all my emotions with you & be completely vulnerable. To be honest I even struggle with being vulnerable with my own husband at times. It’s just not how I have ever functioned when it comes to emotions… but I’m working on it — it takes me a little time but I definitely cry more in front of my husband & am way more vulnerable with him.
Sharing these posts about our miscarriage have been hard at times — actually pretty much every time. I get nervous when I’m about to post them because I don’t know how people will respond. I don’t want people to get annoyed by them but I also don’t fully care if I do annoy someone by them (not to be rude). I chose to be open & vulnerable with my emotions & hard times in result of this miscarriage because I pray it helps even just one woman going through this rough, messy part of life. It actually takes me about a week after writing to muster the courage to make the post go live. But because I said from the start I want to be open with this, I know I can’t stop now.
I know I don’t have everything figured out & not all I am going to experience from this is the same for everyone else, everyone experiences things differently. But one thing I have learned & continually have to remind myself of is that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to still be grieving. There is no shame in crying or still experiencing these random bursts of emotions almost 3 months later or even more. No one can tell you how long you can or can’t grieve or feel emotions from a miscarriage or any other loss. Everyone goes through things differently & heals differently.
I’ve seen that between Casey & I. He literally seems fine in my book. He cried. He felt the emotions. He held me and cried with me. He has gone through all the motions of grieving. & I believe for the most part he is done grieving. But me… I’m not done. Whenever I think I’m done something triggers it & I feel the raw emotions again. That’s when I don’t know what to do because I get so confused as to whether or not I should still be dealing with this at times.
Juno was on tv the other night after Casey had gone to bed so I decided to stay up & watch it. I wasn’t really avoiding movies with pregnant ladies anymore but somehow had managed to go this long without watching any since November. I ended up crying. I was so confused as to why I was crying but I was crying. The other night I broke down again after Casey went to bed because I was frustrated in my search for a bridesmaid dress for my sister in law’s wedding in May & realized last time I was really thinking of her wedding..I was planning to be the “super pregnant bridesmaid”. Everything became raw again. All this added up to Wednesday night when I couldn’t keep my emotions to myself anymore & I really broke down again but this time in Casey’s arms & in front of people at church. My heart was heavy. I missed our sweet baby. After talking with a lady who recently lost a child, I was reminded I’m not crazy for still feeling these emotions. They are still going to come & go. This is natural. This is life. This is the grieving process. Some days I grieve more than others….some not even at all. But it is okay to still feel the raw emotion from this from time to time.
She also went along to tell me moments like these are just like waves, you just need to stand there, brace yourself & lean into them as they crash into you. Soon it will fade into the rest of the sea. It’s so true! Lately anytime I am overcome with a heavy heart & emotions, I have a good cry & just let it out. I let Casey hold me rather than bottle it up, & it starts to go away again as I work through those emotions. Usually the next day I try to remember why I cried or why I was feeling so emotional. But in that moment when the emotions overcome, bracing myself & just letting myself grieve & experience the emotions is probably one of the best things… at least for me.
Because I’m not a fan of crying & I generally try to hold it back & not allow myself to cry… But its those moments when I let go that I experience the most relief. It relieves some of the weight on my heart. It opens me up more to Casey & lets him understand me more & what I’m working through & it reminds me that I’m human. I don’t have it all together & that through this miscarriage I’m growing immensely in many ways & learning new things about myself that I thought I already knew.
My heart still aches deeply at times… some days way more than other days. What catches me off guard are the very emotional days that randomly pop up in the middle of weeks of being fine. That’s when I begin to wonder why these emotions still overcome me from time to time. But I was reminded, as much as I don’t think I am most days, I’m still grieving & I’m still healing. When these moments arise & I feel hesitant to tell Casey or hesitant to share them here on the blog, I have to remind myself I’m still working through this. I have to remind myself that there are other women miscarrying or who have miscarried, who most likely feel the same raw emotions I’m feeling & feel like they are alone in this or are confused as to why they experience waves of emotion. That is why I have opened up so much & continue to push myself to stay open about this.
I want women to know they aren’t alone in this. Miscarriages happen. It’s ok to have weeks lined up of feeling no pain, & then a day or a few days of feeling that pain & raw emotion again. It’s ok to cry & talk about it. Some days I don’t know how to talk about it or feel bad for talking about it because I don’t want people to think I am looking for their pity or to make them feel awkward. Some days I’m scared to talk about it because I don’t want people to judge me & think I talk about this too much. I also always feel like I shouldn’t talk about it because that’s just not the norm & that I should just be healed up & moved on by now when these random spurts of emotion hit me. So I get scared to share. However, I want to talk about it some days. I want to share this with people, I don’t want people to be scared to talk about pregnancy or babies or miscarriages around me. I want people to know I still have tough days but I am extremely open to talking about this & they don’t need to feel awkward around me. I want to cry about it when needed & I want other women to not be afraid to talk about miscarriage or feel they have to hide their achy hearts because they don’t want people to judge them or think they are just dragging this on or don’t know what to say to them. The pain from a miscarriage doesn’t just go away. There are definitely days when it seems like it has & all is good until a bad day comes & you’re reminded of that day you miscarried. I anticipate there will be days that the waves will be rough, but I know that once I break through the violent surf, there’s a whole open ocean for me to sink into. I know & want to get through them so I can get through this healing process & head on to the next chapter of my life.
One thing I have learned, been reminded of & continue to remember is even in these little snippets of darkness from grief there is light. There is light in today. There is light in tomorrow. There is light in knowing this is being used to grow me & mold me. There is light in praying & knowing this will one day be used for the good of another woman who feels alone or not sure of what to do in times of grief. There is light in knowing one day there will be no more pain & suffering. There is continued light in the Cross & Jesus Christ & there is light in the people of the Church that come around you when you feel like all around you is dark. I am thankful for these rough days that come & go because I learn so much through them & am reminded of so much when I work through them.